The Wilder Gifts of the Spirit

"13 Beaches" I don't belong in the world That's what it is Something separates me from other people Everywhere I turn There's something blocking my escape It took thirteen beaches to find one empty But finally it's mine With dripping peaches I'm camera ready Almost all the time But I still get lonely And baby only then Do I let myself recline? Can I let go? And let your memory dance In the ballroom of my mind Across the county line It hurts to love you But I still love you It's just the way I feel And I'd be lying If I kept hiding The fact that I can't deal And that I've been dying For something real That I've been dying For something real It took thirteen beaches to find one empty But finally I'm fine Past Ventura And lenses plenty In the white sunshine But you still can find me If you ask nicely Underneath the pines With the daisies Feeling hazy In the ballroom of my mind Across the county line It hurts to love you But I still ...

I feel the urge I need to slow down Tell you the things I've got on my mind You eat up the??? Moving too fast But I don't want to know The weight of my words Before they come out Just tell me where you end Because I'm breathing for two I know we could be one It's just a matter of time I want to give it all I want it to be you I wanna feel Your hands on my back But don't press too hard I'm easy to break I'm sorry to hear about your past But I've got one too I'm sorry to see what you were left with But let it be me The best thing you can do Is follow your heart Follow your heart Soft and blue Morning has to be with you I hope for more than you ever do I hope time will never make its way through Soft and blue Morning has to be with you I hope for more in a year or two I hope time will never make its way through

It has been a quiet week for this YALP blog. It has been reduced to song lyrics and the odd photograph which took my fancy. I have been doing my teaching, working on the Artist's Way, my volunteer job, and many other projects. It is Saturday night, and today was meant to be my rest day, but I still managed to end up feeling stressed. I have not slept well this week, and that is never a good thing to be teaching with. The Artist's Way is going well, though I am not experiencing the anger like apparently I am supposed to be. I am just enjoying coming up with imaginary lives for myself. Who I would be if money had never been an object, or if my life had been different? So many different people emerge. I haven't managed to go on my artist's date with myself. My to do list feels currently completely endless, but I will try and fit it in, somewhere along the line. I have still managed to do nothing on my YALP course. I really must do something about that. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/0JzIT0DuQizsKgV0xG3DhR?si=Jt81FyoW

Speak until the dust Settles in the same specific place Light refused to go Drink it from a cast and iron plate Instead of cold milk Was offered unripe Instead of silence Considered craven Nothing made it seem Hidden where the aging soil was pure Pressed against the crease Mountains become fragrant at the source How can you stand this Exotic angle I read it somewhere That they would lie still I remember how cloth hung Flexing with the forest clung Half waist and high raised arms Kicking at the slightest form I remember my first love I remember my first love Unrelied I was called Missing teeth out of favour Nickel beach it was all Gathering by the sundial I woke hard I woke heavy For the half way stop Five whole hours in When I woke hard I woke heavy with the live or parts I remember how cloth hung Flexing with the forest clung Half waist and high raised arms Kicking at the slightest form I remember my first love I remember my first love I remember how cloth hung Flexing w...

We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain We jumped, never asking why We kissed, I fell under your spell A love no one could deny Don't you ever say I just walked away I will always want you I can't live a lie, running for my life I will always want you I came in like a wrecking ball I never hit so hard in love All I wanted was to break your walls All you ever did was break me Yeah, you wreck me I put you high up in the sky And now, you're not coming down It slowly turned, you let me burn And now, we're ashes on the ground Don't you ever say I just walked away I will always want you I can't live a lie, running for my life I will always want you I came in like a wrecking ball I never hit so hard in love All I wanted was to break your walls All you ever did was break me I came in like a wrecking ball Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung Left me crouching in a blaze and fall All you ever did was break me Yeah, you wreck me

"Prayer In C (Robin Schulz Remix)" (with Robin Schulz) Yah, you never said a word You didn't send me no letter Don't think I could forgive you See our world is slowly dying I'm not wasting no more time Don't think I could believe you Yah, you never said a word You didn't send me no letter Don't think I could forgive you See our world is slowly dying I'm not wasting no more time Don't think I could believe you Yah, our hands will get more wrinkled And our hair will be grey Don't think I could forgive you And see the children are starving And their houses were destroyed Don't think they could forgive you Hey, when seas will cover lands And when men will be no more Don't think you can forgive you Yah when there'll just be silence And when life will be over Don't think you will forgive you Yah, you never said a word You didn't send me no letter Don't think I could forgive you See our world is slowly dying I'm not ...

Drifting through the halls with the sunrise (Holding on for your call) Climbing up the walls for that flashing light (I can never let go) 'Cause I'm gonna be free and I'm gonna be fine (Holding on for your call) 'Cause I'm gonna be free and I'm gonna be fine (Maybe not tonight) Now the sun is up and I'm going blind (Holding on for your call) Another drink just to pass the time (I can never say no) Cause I'm gonna be free and I'm gonna be fine (Holding on for your call) 'Cause I'm gonna be free and I'm gonna be fine (Maybe not tonight) It's a different kind of danger And the bells are ringing out And I'm calling for my mother As I pull the pillars down It's a different kind of danger And my feet are spinning around Never knew I was a dancer 'Till Delilah showed me how Too fast for freedom Sometimes it all falls down These chains never leave me I keep dragging them around Now I'm d...

"Writing's On The Wall" I've been here before But always hit the floor I've spent a lifetime running And I always get away But with you I'm feeling something That makes me want to stay I'm prepared for this I never shoot to miss But I feel like a storm is coming If I'm gonna make it through the day Then there's no more use in running This is something I gotta face If I risk it all Could you break my fall? [Chorus:] How do I live? How do I breathe? When you're not here I'm suffocating I want to feel love run through my blood Tell me is this where I give it all up? For you I have to risk it all 'Cause the writing's on the wall A million shards of glass That haunt me from my past As the stars begin to gather And the light begins to fade When all hope begins to shatter Know that I won't be afraid If I risk it all Could you break my fall? [Chorus:] How do I live? How do I breathe? When you...

"She Will Be Loved" Beauty queen of only eighteen She had some trouble with herself He was always there to help her She always belonged to someone else I drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door I've had you so many times but somehow I want more I don't mind spending every day Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved And she will be loved Tap on my window, knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful I know I tend to get so insecure It doesn't matter anymore It's not always rainbows and butterflies It's compromise that moves us along, yeah My heart is full and my door's always open You come anytime you want, yeah. I don't mind spending every day Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved And she will be loved And she will be loved And she wil...

Perhaps what I am trying to communicate, in some strange way, that when I was younger I didn't know what spirituality was, or that I could be in fact spiritual. I didn't know I might be good at spiritual writing, or writing as a means to communicate with God or the spirit or whatever there is beyond this world. Rather than being an introverted writer, I am probably more a spiritual writer, if that makes any sense. But that wasn't something I recognised as a child or knew anything about. Perhaps none of this makes any sense, and maybe that is just fine. As I am progressing in my artist's way course, I am learning there are somethings one can share only with one self and with the spirit and that is completely acceptable. To have a space for you alone, is important. And there are some things you can share, of course. 

"Go Your Own Way" Loving you Isn't the right thing to do How can I ever change things that I feel? If I could Baby I'd give you my world How can I When you won't take it from me? You can go your own way Go your own way You can call it another lonely day You can go your own way Go your own way Tell me why Everything turned around Packing up Shacking up's all you wanna do If I could Baby I'd give you my world Open up Everything's waiting for you You can go your own way Go your own way You can call it another lonely day You can go your own way Go your own way

https://open.spotify.com/track/2CMVzzfDLGrcdZXT50nLDZ

If I am honest, I have done next to nothing on YALP, the course which inspired this blog. I am sure I have a moodle exercise I have to do at some stage. That said, the fruits of the course have been many fold, and have included starting work on my creative self, and coming to terms with being someone who likes to write inward looking writing very, very much. The validation for having a journey that goes inside felt very deep and real and solid. I suspect I have always in some way felt that because my natural focus was inwards, that this was for some reason wrong, and I should be more outward looking, and less heartfelt in my writing. I don't know if this is a part of wanting to try and be an academic, that somehow I was trying to make myself fit into a box I just didn't quite make it into. Certainly inward writing and including the self in anthropology can happen, not that it seems to be widely approved of... Something happened on the YALP course, something come togethe...

Yes, I took a selfie at the Freud Museum....in a curved mirror...deep....very deep...

Apparently the story about the archaeologist in love with the imagine of Gradiva, is actually a story, not based on fact. It just resembles some of my life experience from a superficial stand point. I would have to read the book and Freud's analysis of it, to know for sure. To know someone wrote a story like that, is incredibly creepy for me. Incredibly. Though I think it is pretty conclusive from my Internet readings that Anna Freud was a lesbian and her father seems to have tried to cure her... Freud unseated the ego as the master in it's own house and revealed the primitive drives in the subconscious mind. I suppose when my subconscious decided it was going to do some rearranging of the furniture, I had that feeling my ego wasn't really as 'in control' as it would like to tell it self it is. But once these things come to light, and you start coming to terms with the, the control or order return. Well as much as anyone is actually in control of themselves and...

I had a quick root around the Internet, and apparently Freud took his daughter into analysis, because he was trying to cure her lesbianism. He believed it was the fault of the father... Sounds incredibly unethical and traumatising.  Nonetheless trying to cure his daughter didn't work, and Anna Freud enjoyed a life long female partner.

  I did not want to go to the Freud Museum. I did not imagine I would actually kind of push myself to go on a sleepy Saturday, as some strange attempt at feeding my creative artistic inner child. Off I went, all the same. I was immersed for a good two and a half hours in the world of a intellectual I have had little if no interest in. I suppose we have to keep open minds. Parts of the museum I really enjoyed were the exhibits on child psychology and Anna Freud, who was a teacher before following in her father's foot steps to become a psychoanalyst. Apparently she was analysed by her own father, which is quite a strange thought. How would that work out exactly? I also enjoyed standing in Freud's study and studying his great collection of ancient relics. It put me in mind of my little rock collect which is in it's early stages (the childhood one being probably missing somewhere), and of my own interest in archaeology as a child. I think I probably agree now that in ord...

Whilst swimming my mind can either wonder or be very focused. I am either in a fantasy about my relationship with the water, or I am repeating the number of lengths to myself. Now and then I try to focus on what the sensation of the water is like on my body, and freeing it is to be weightless like a bird in the sky, perhaps more like a penguin. And sometimes I remember things. Today I remembered my old sports teacher who tried to get me to be triathlete, of some kind. I also remembered I used to do fencing as a teenager, it would be good to get into sword fighting again...when I have some funds to afford all the sports and hobbies I wish I could do. I wish i could afford to sing, learn to act, go back to playing the guitar, and so many other things, but time and money, time and money...  

So I made it to the end of the week. I did my tutoring and went for another hour long swim. I think I did about 50- 60 lengths, which is good going. I was exhausted from the week, but I needed to just do something. Swimming was a lot more interesting this week, than last. Not sure what changed and why I didn't want to get out of the pool. When I made it back to where I live, someone told me that the kitchen door was broken. Earlier in the day everyone had become locked out the kitchen, and our landlord couldn't sort it out until Monday, so the man next door climbed up the scaffolding and broken into our kitchen. We are under pain of death if we close the kitchen door now, that man does not want to do another climb. What a story, I wish I had been around with my room mates when it happened. Life where I live is never boring. This weekend I am not planning a great deal. I have to work on my Artist's Way exercises, and figure out this thing called making a date for my art...

On the way home from swimming, I saw this beautiful sky. The sky is often the subject of my pictures. Just a hint, guys... One of my students insisted on teaching the class how to cook pasta for ten minutes... I always enjoy the messages the underground staff like to give the commuters. Keeps one positive, despite being up at six. 

Today one of my students offered to show me a fidget spinner, and though at the great age of 30, I am supposed to be beyond these sorts of things, one of the joys of spending time with young people, is these moments they start teaching you things. They area always interesting, open to themselves, and creative, at least in my experience. One things leads to another and I am being show you tube videos of fidget spinner tricks, which I never thought possible. Apparently looking at the spinner will help you concentrate.... Not sure how that logic works out, but my inner child was amused.  It is a tragic truth of adult hood that a lot of the time is spent just trying to find ways to stay awake, whether that is coffee or chocolate, and there is a lot less time for strange things like fidget spinners. 

I have almost made it to the end of the first week of summer school. I crawled home and celebrated with Outlander and something terrible for me to eat. Though these days I seem to have more energy than the kids, I am still wreckage. There is a black hole where my capacity to put up with nonsense used to be. I can't remember how many times I repeated the word no, but I know eventually I got my way. I teach a lot more with the imperative, forget to be polite, and it tends to work. This is the complete opposite of how I used to be at the beginning of my teaching career, I have developed a lot, and it shows to me now. We reflected today on how once when we were younger, we were at the cutting edge of culture, expert in all things new, and now, as teachers, we are the expert in trying to keep the body stimulated to get to the end. Thankfully Outlander has improved immensely from the first episode, where the constant self reflective monologue, nearly drove me to distraction. Even ...

https://soundcloud.com/cultural-anthropology/32-animal-and-anthropology

This is what happened to my hand today, after tackling the whiteboard with a marker pen which would not erase properly, and which leaked. The children loved it when I threatened them with the green claw for being naughty. It is still green now. I wonder if it will ever come off. I haven't recovered much from my post lost scarf grief. I watched Outlander, the TV series, for the first time. Considering I was recommended the book fifteen years ago, I suppose that is quite an achievement. I enjoyed it but found it strangely overly sentimental in parts. An enjoyable hour's worth of fantasy. There are some things you remember after fifteen years, and somethings you forget... .... After school I wondered around Waitrose and had some many insightful and interesting thoughts about anthropology, and animals. I will share them, eventually. Eventually... It is finally raining. About time after so much heat. 

I realised I had lost my favourite blue scarf today. The scarf I bought in China. Loss. My scarf is about as lost as my voice is about to be after two days of teaching. I am not sure how to accept the scarf has gone, apart from buy another blue one to replace it as soon as possible. I had many thoughts in my brain today. Sadly scarf sadness dominates my mind. 

It was my first day in front of a classroom for a long time. I am out ESL summer school teaching in a leafy corner of Harrow. The day was long, but felt very short, and involved testing, and trying to remember new student's names. Towards the end of the day, I puzzled them with some origami. They were spectacular with making this apparently easy dinosaur, but the three minute butterfly was too much for them. It was fun watching their confusion. It is a little sad I have a new class tomorrow, and amazing how quickly the bond developed. I haven't taught so many Chinese students since I lived in China. It was weird listening to them talking amongst themselves in Chinese and picking up on some of the words. It took me back to when my anthropology and teaching journey began, and maybe wonder why I started down this alternative path in life, avoiding the mainstream at almost every corner. I wonder if that is about to change. On the tube home I managed to skim read an article o...

"Good Vibrations" I-I love the colorful clothes she wears And the way the sunlight plays upon her hair I hear the sound of a gentle word On the wind that lifts her perfume through the air I'm pickin' up good vibrations She's giving me excitations (Oom bop bop) I'm pickin' up good vibrations (Good vibrations, oom bop bop) She's giving me excitations (Excitations, oom bop bop) Good, good, good, good vibrations (Oom bop bop) She's giving me excitations (Excitations, oom bop bop) Good, good, good, good vibrations (Oom bop bop) She's giving me excitations (Excitations) Close my eyes, she's somehow closer now Softly smile, I know she must be kind When I look in her eyes She goes with me to a blossom world I'm pickin' up good vibrations She's giving me excitations (Oom bop bop) I'm pickin' up good vibrations (Good vibrations, oom bop bop) She's giving me excitations (Excitations, oom bop bop) Good, good, good, good vibra...

"Trophy" The trophy that I made for us In fur and gold Got into the wrong pair of hands In truth was sold They bought it for oh so much less Than it was worth And every man that touched it Found a heaven on earth Heaven is a feeling I get in your arms Heaven is a feeling I get in your arms Heaven is a feeling I get in your arms Heaven is a feeling I get in your arms The queens and the court jesters Clapped, adored Their hearts swelled to Overdrive and mercy soared Mercy this and mercy that Let justice prevail But I just want my trophy back It's not for sale Heaven is a feeling I get in your arms Heaven is a feeling I get in your arms Heaven is a feeling I get in your arms Heaven is a feeling I get in your arms Creatures of mercy Shoot shoot Shoot them down And set me free Creatures of mercy Shoot shoot Shoot them down And set me free When I got my trophy back It took some time To polish it, to go from black And shoot the lion When I put it back inside I locked the door...

The Artist's Way strikes me as sort of like a twelve step recovery programme or an AA for creatives who have taken a few hard knocks in life. I am not knocking it, it sounds like something I need, but it is intense. It will probably take a back seat whilst I engage myself in the mines of the teaching world. 

According to 'The Artist's Way', at the heart of creativity is an experience of mystical union. I found this a striking sentence, perhaps because of my own experience of random mystical union taking place in a strange context... Perhaps it is another thought to ponder on the tube in to work. What is mystical union? Am I unifying with the creative life force, or God if you are comfortable with that word? And out of that union producing amazing work of some kind?  Questions, questions... I definitely didn't experience divine union during my masters...

The ashes of the piece of bread which set the toaster on fire, and put me into fight or flight mode (my room mate would have paid to see my face in the moment). My new book: a part of a whole new chapter of life.  My rather cut and wrinkly finger out of focus.  Out clubbing post the film, I saw a blue square and thought it creatively interesting... Clubbing post film, New Zealander's know what they are doing in this department. 

After reading the blog post on Religion and Violence (see Religion and Violence blog post), I felt a little confused. I have never thought about civilisation as originally being based upon and held together by scapegoating in order to control human tendencies towards violence. This sparks thoughts in my mind about whether human beings are innately violent, whether all civilisations have been founded the same way, and what about relatively non violent cultures? To contemplate human sacrifice, is to contemplate the not so civilised basis of high order civilisation. I do agree that it does appear that humanity is at a cross roads between continued survival on the planet, and self destruction, and it is not only violence and war which threatens us. Though breaking cycles of violence by not taking revenge, is at least one burden people can lay down and try and pass beyond to make the world more peaceful. How long do intelligent life forms and civilisations exist before destroying t...

Busy, busy. More busy than I have been for a while. Decisions, decisions, more decisions than I have had to confront for a while. This weekend has been strange. Last night, I went to see the film,'In Search of the Wilderpeople,' and the after party. I enjoyed the film a great deal and there is a lot to be said for it in terms of social commentary. Sadly I couldn't always follow the accents of the actors, and my new Zealand friend couldn't keep up with the film to translate for me. It gave me urges to chase off to New Zealand, or head out to live in the wild in some romantic spree of the heart. It is times like this I miss anthropology, and I even miss the institution, even though there are plenty of anthropology institutions out there which do similar things. I got home about 2 am, and didn't really sleep, got up the next day, and pulled myself into final lesson planning for the week ahead. So much for my Sunday. And now here I am, finally with a little time ...

There is freedom within There is freedom without Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup There's a battle ahead Many battles are lost But you'll never see the end of the roof while you're traveling with me Don't dream it's over Hey now, hey now When the world comes in They come, they come To build a wall between us And we know they won't win Now I'm towing my car There's a hole in the roof My possession are causing me suspicion, but there's no proof In the paper today, tales of war and of waste, but you turn right over to the TV page There is freedom within There is freedom without Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup There's a battle ahead Many battles are lost But you'll never see the end of the roof while you're traveling with me Hey now, hey now And we know they won't win Don't dream it's over Hey now, hey now When the world comes in They come, they come To build a wall between us And we k...